….;.'.,/"/;.,-`=';./,<^`~":/|}^....<.,,.'

********APPLY TRANSLATION********

I've been unable to communicate.  My 2-legged guardians refuse to leave home base. We can assume that they know my the details of my mission and... I smell yummy treats... and they, well, six years undercover will go to waste.  I love pepperoni!  

Today was a learning experience.  I successfully defeated my feline counterpart in an intense staring competition.  Her intimidation and outlandish acrobatic fighting ability were no match for my proficiency to do absolutely nothing for two Earth minutes and thirty one seconds.  I was victorious and I made my ancestors well-pleased.  Pepperoni is happy treats!

I'm trying to learn how to spit.  I think that I am closer than ever.

I cannot dig in the bedroom!  The carpet will not budge...it mocks me.  I think I heard a cheese stick sing last week... but I could be mistaken.  Critical thinking has been a challenge since the humans removed the knowledge crystals from my bladder two years ago this month.  I receive daily rations that allow me to see through the back wall of our dwelling.  It's a stubborn forcefield that I have named Philip, and I am closer to understanding his unpredictable behaviors.  Philip sucks!  Pepperoni good!

My guardians are calling for me.  I'm going to poop on the couch to distract them.

-RS